If You Think I'm a Bitch...You're Right
I recently lost my grip on reality as a result of being overwhelmed and suffocated with uncertainty in my life, and negativity surrounding me. Now that I'm post frontal lobe apocalypse, there are many, many topics I have been wanting to address, and the purpose of today's blog is to do exactly that, or at least start the process.
I'm learning that no matter how vigilant I think I am, there are some situations in life that eventually reach a point of lose/lose ...and that is not failure or cynicism, it's just an ugly truth.
Hindsight is always 20/20 and it's been simple to identify where the point of no return was in many of the recent relationship casualties I've had, and there has been more than I can count on one hand. I could easily speculate on how it could have gone differently in each case. But, I do not have any more time for speculation. I do not have any more time for blame. I do not have any more time for convincing and persuading. I don't have any more time for the futile efforts of trying to prove anything that I personally KNOW to be true. I do not require you to see it my way in order for me to still stand strong in my own truth. THAT was a hard lesson to re-learn and damn near impossible to implement in my life...once again.
For a while I was actually convinced of faulty facts and felt genuine shame and guilt for being a terrible person...but that's pure steamy bullshit. I'm not like that. Period. I don't operate from a place of malicious selfishness. It's not at all who I am and I forgot who I was in all of this uncertainty and chaos. When you're so stressed and mentally flooded that you forget WHO you actually are...then quite naturally you become open to suggestion and that's the beginning of the end.
In my professional realm, what others perceived as an ignorant lack of gratitude and flagrant abandon was actually my attempt at forcing someone I loved to CEASE self damaging behaviour and regain focus on their own passion and their own happiness before they lost themselves in an unfulfilling pursuit. Forgive me if I failed to convince all of you of my intentions while I was balls deep in the eye of the storm and coming to you to air out my thoughts and gain some clarity and understanding of the bigger picture...I thought I had established this foundation of trust already.
I was wrong, and I'm ok with that.
In my personal life some perceived me as being foolish in love and deserving of the hurt that came from making poor choices for the second time with the same person...well, to put it simply...fuck you. Since when isn't love foolish? Love is a multi dimensional super nova of "feels" and I won't be shamed for having weaknesses and desires that lead me down dangerous paths. Yes I was foolish and yes I made my own bed and yes I have to lie in it...but what the actual fuck people? Do you actually feel like a validated human when you put more energy into judging than you do relating to others? Have fun with that while you're busy concealing the nasty truths in your own love lives.
Here's the thing...
If YOU think I'm a whiner...
Stop listening.
If YOU think I'm an attention getter...
Stop paying attention.
If YOU think I'm vain...
It's because people like you have me on your mind so much.
If YOU think I'm heartless...
It's because I don't trust you enough to reveal my heart.
If YOU think I'm rude...
Don't interact with me.
If YOU think I'm two faced...
Look closer...I have like 3 or 4 faces..but unlike you I don't hide any of them.
If YOU think I'm selfish...
You fail to realize the value in taking care of yourself first.
If YOU think I'm fake...
You probably don't recognize true authenticity because you've never achieved it.
If YOU think I'm conceited...
Please. Have you seen me?
If YOU think I'm narcissistic...
You should know that not all sociopaths are evil.
But all this dialog is really superfluous in the end.
There is one thing that matters here, and it is this.
Regardless of what I say or do, regardless of whether I defend my honour or let it go, regardless of whether I get external validation for my life and purpose - the truth is...
If YOU think I'm a bitch...
YOU are right.
Because I am who YOU think I am ...to you.
And luckily, I am who I think I am ...to ME.
So we are allowed to NOT see eye to eye.
I am not obligated to accept your view of me any more than you are obligated to change your opinion of me. Just don't be upset when integrity stands the test of time and you realize that this was never a popularity contest for me, but rather a journey of purpose and meaning. I'd rather have happy and successful enemies than misguided and unfocused friends.
...and so the journey goes.
